You Might Be a Liberal Read online

  Now check your calendar quickly, and you’ll note that this operation literally began shortly after September 11, 2001. Under Bush. Cheney. Rumsfeld. Probably Halliburton, too. At the time, Obama was still snoozing through Jeremiah Wright’s “God-bleep America” sermons as a nondescript Illinois state senator and giving interviews to the four listeners of Chicago Public Radio about flaws in our Constitution. In the interim, he’s given speeches decrying everything that went into ultimately getting bin Laden.

  To sum it up, everything we as conservatives believe about our country’s defense, the War on Terror, interrogation, special ops/black ops, Gitmo, and the realities of the world was validated. Conservative ideas won. Conservative tactics won. An enemy conservatives never hesitated to call out was killed after he was ‘routed out,’ to use the words of W.

  Everything liberals believe about the same was defeated. They are trying to take credit for a win in a war they never acknowledged, with tactics they openly hate, merely to buck up a childish liberal in the White House. Facts are facts. The adults won. The kids were along for the ride, kicking and screaming.

  YMBAL’S #1

  If you cannot name a single NASCAR driver but know every cast member of Curb Your Enthusiasm…

  If you have ever strained your eyes studying the Obama Care website carefully to see if by chance there is coverage for either the free removal of a tattoo or the free addition of a sexual organ…

  If your parents have ever given you an acre of preserved rain forest as a birthday present…

  If you have ever expressed your outrage at the photos from Abu Grahib while on the way to a fund raiser for the National Endowment for the Arts…

  If you think voter fraud is just a myth created by conservatives…

  If you believe Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for “losing the cold war” than Ronald Reagan does for ‘winning it…”

  If you don’t think there was ever a problem with media bias until FOX News went on the air…

  If you thought that Obama was going to buy gas to put in your car…

  If you happily showed your photo ID to hear an Eric Holder speech—only to cheer when Holder insisted there will be no ID required to vote…1

  If you believe the key to solving health care is to hire more sixteen thousand more IRS agents while running off thousands of doctors…2

  If your answer is “hire more teachers, firefighters and cops,” regardless of what the question is…

  If you credit Obama for creating the 2004 Lexus Hybrid…3

  If you think 3 million people being added to Social Security Disability since Obama became President is economic progress…

  If you were so upset at “big time college football” that it never even dawned on you that Jerry Sandusky was gay, as well as a pedophile…

  If you can’t remember whether you left your man purse in the Prius or the Volvo…

  If you have the abortion clinic, the welfare office and the local Democrat party headquarters on speed dial…

  ...you might be a liberal. (YMBAL)

  “I mean in a way Obama’s standing above the country, above—above the world, he’s sort of God.”

  —Evan Thomas to Chris Matthews in 2009

  “I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: “ to an unknown god.” So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship —and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.”

  —Apostle Paul in Acts

  2: THE RELIGIOUS LEFT VERSUS THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

  If your pastor ever mentions ‘draconian Republican legislation’ from the pulpit…

  An annoying trait of many liberals is that they are constantly trying to join largely successful groups for the express purpose of changing the very nature of those groups that made them successful in the first place. They want to change every organization to conform to the liberal image. They refuse to build their own competing organization because, as we know from our dear leader, no one gets credit if they “build that.” Thus they infect and infest—or attempt to—generally conservative outfits. And they almost always do this in the name of diversity and fairness and inclusion. Oh, and for the children.

  Churches comes to mind, along with the Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Augusta National, The Citadel, the Heinz family fortune, restaurants that serve red meat and allow cigars—and now Chick-fil-A.

  But let’s focus on the churches for a minute. As you and I know, God made man in His image. Ever since then, some of the fuzzier images He made—liberals—have been trying to remake God in their image. Or, as the joke goes, one difference between God and Obama is that God does not think He’s Obama.

  But I digress. Liberals started having real influence in mainline Protestant denominations in the 1960’s and 1970’s. And wouldn’t you know it, like everything else liberals touch, these denominations have gone straight downhill since then. To name a few others, I could cite public education, the DMV, California, Cuba, Illinois, Detroit, the Postal Service—and coming soon to a no-longer-in-practice doctor near you: health care.

  Some of their more spectacular failures, however, are in mainline Protestant denominations. One of the more liberal church denominations in North America is the United Church of Canada (UCC). Canadian liberals are just like American liberals. In their 2012 General Council they debated church policy—and item number one on the agenda was a resolution calling for a boycott of products from Israeli settlements. Now, I’m not sure just how much the UCC imports from settlements, but only a liberal denomination would go out of its way to insult God’s chosen people, much less over a non-issue.

  Which may explain why the UCC is, itself, literally dying. The average age for members is 65, which puts their membership squarely in the death panel cross hairs for Canada’s socialized medical system. They have less life expectancy than the average Louisiana preacher who handles snakes. Many members claim to be post-theistic, which is a euphemism for, let’s see, what’s the word? Oh yeah, atheistic. They proudly claim not to be “stuck in the past.” Of course, with an average age of 65, I’m not so sure they are stuck in the future either.

  Which is a problem, because God is stuck in the past. And He is stuck in the future and in the present. (Another whole book, but work with me here.) He is not constrained by time, but the UCC most certainly is. They are running out of members and out of money and out of any way or any reason to maintain their many desolate, empty buildings. In 1965 the UCC had 1.1 million members, and now they have barely 400,000. There are hippie communes who’ve suffered less shrinkage since 1965. And what does an empty church building need to import from the Israeli settlements anyway?

  And speaking of empty buildings, that brings us to the current state of affairs for the United Methodist Church, the Lutheran Church, the Presbyterian Church USA and the Episcopalians. The PC USA has lost over 60% of its membership since its peak, many to the more conservative PCA or to independent churches. The United Methodist Church is down about 40% from their high, and their “market share” of the American population has gone from a high of 6.5% to about 2%. It’s hard to get exact figures from their websites now, since they are emphasizing their growing African membership.

  Yes, Africa. Like soccer, liberal churches like to brag about popularity where the only competition is starvation, badminton and witch doctoring. They would rather not discuss what has happened to organized religion where they have reorganized it by kicking God out of it.

  Meanwhile, the ‘whiskey-palians’ as they are called, often by themselves, have lost a quarter of their membership in just the past decade. It was during the Great Depression the last time their membership was so paltry. Which probably has something to do with the fact that they spend too much time on their social justice gospel and remain a tad vague about something the Apostle Paul mentioned known as ‘The Gospel.’ In their last general assembly they spent a lot of time and ef
fort affirming the rights of the transgendered to become priests, which is just the latest of many far left social justice causes that never did appear high on the to-do list of, say, the Apostle Paul. Although in fairness, Paul’s protégé Phillip did spend some time with a confused Ethiopian eunuch on one occasion. However, the eunuch’s confusion had nothing to do with gender identity or sexual orientation.

  Nonetheless, such concerns must not have been too high on the list of the many hundreds of thousands who left the denomination either. Since roughly the 1960’s, many of these denominations shifted away from outdated concepts like God, Jesus, The Bible, worship and prayer—and shifted into more hip activities over the decades like promoting big government, labor unions, eco-justice, gay rights, boycotts and recycling. Which is only fair, because as we know, many Christian conservatives were joining Green Peace and the Southern Law and Poverty Center to preach Jesus and pro-life and limited government gospels.

  Oh wait, they weren’t.

  No, the more conservative Christians were busy actually reading and at least attempting to follow the Bible in their churches. You know, they were keeping the person of Christ in Christian. What a concept!

  So while liberal churches are worried about how to keep the lights on in their old musty and empty buildings, more conservative congregations are going from renting public school auditoriums by the thousands to holding services in buildings that look like NBA arenas. In addition, many of these stream their services online live to those who can’t squeeze into the arena and, of course, to those who are “back slid” and stay at home.

  The growth is in the independent church movement, a fairly diverse and amorphous movement with the single most prevalent characteristic being a strongly stated belief in God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit as the Trinity Godhead. Oh, this just in: they also have a belief that the Christian Bible is indeed the Word of God. Many such churches are mixed race congregations with memberships ranging in age from stroller through Hover Round. Visit any one of these churches and you will see energy and growth and sincerity and, gasp—DIVERSITY. And you will not see the term “draconian Republican legislation” or “our transgender brothers and sisters” in any of their Scriptures.

  And by the way, who can separate the transgender brothers from the sisters in those liberal churches? While stuck at a hotel with a convention of them, my wife and I could not tell for sure. But they did know how to sneak about sixty-five folks in the Club Level breakfast room with one key card and wipe out the donuts. Liberals always can sniff out a good freebie scam. (See various other chapters, or your local welfare or SSDI office for reference).

  Meanwhile, those sneering religious leftists who claim that the conservative churches are not inclusive are becoming, in the words of the late, great Andrew Breitbart, “a bunch of silver pony tails.” Breitbart was talking about the professoriate on our college campuses, but the same thing is happening to the main line church. This assessment is shared by Jeff Walton of the Institute on Religion and Democracy, who candidly admitted that “despite all its liberal cheerleading about inclusiveness, the once-influential Episcopal Church is a dwindling, nearly all white, increasingly gray-headed denomination with a grim future, absent divine intervention.”

  Which is going to be one helluva problem, given that many Episcopalians, by their own admission, do not believe in anything divine, let alone expecting God to intervene in their church. They’re perhaps right, since it’s probably years since His name was spoken in their midst—and decades since anyone mentioned Jesus, except for a stray mention of “the baby Jesus” that might have slipped out around Christmas time.

  Liberal inclusiveness apparently means including all the masses who are showing up each week as empty pews. I guess the logic here is that if no one is showing up, then they won’t offend anyone who doesn’t care. Come to think of it, this is very similar to the viewer model for CNN and MSNBC.

  All of this simply to illustrate, among other things, that liberals are obsessed with infiltrating and controlling groups that were not founded on liberalism in the first place, and then changing those very founding principles. And after they do that—and they are very successful at this—they almost always kill that very organization. When you think about it, this is really what they have been doing for many decades with our government. Our republic was founded on the principle of maximum liberty and limited government.

  But too many liberals have “joined” our government at every level, and dominate it in many places. They have for decades in New York City, and look what they have wrought. It now takes about the same amount of time to get a permit to open a deli as it did to build the Empire State Building. This is what liberals call progress. If they don’t hurry up and complete the construction at Ground Zero, there won’t be a terrorist alive who remembers why it had to be rebuilt in the first place.

  This is liberal progress, similar to that in the United States Postal Service or any DMV. Liberals also run the Jurassic thugasaurus labor unions, and are owners and editors at the majority of the daily newspapers. They are all dying. Liberal progress will kill you.

  And I think they know it, else they would they form their own organizations instead of insisting on corrupting conservative groups. No one is stopping them from forming a gay scouts—in either flavor. No one is stopping them from starting a blatantly anti-God or non-God organization of any kind that meets on Sunday mornings. In fact, there are some. They can go start another golf course near Augusta and allow everyone BUT white men for all I care—except that there are probably too many other liberals on the zoning board that would never issue them a permit.

  And actually, if they really did believe in equality and diversity and fairness, these are the kinds of things they would do. If they would leave us the hell alone, we would leave them alone, which of course is what they always claim they want.

  But they don’t. Liberals are liberals first, and what they really believe in, ultimately, is control. Everything they do is aimed at a small group of liberal elites being able to figure out what’s best for everybody and then controlling everybody according to their liberal specifications. And this includes what people think. They insist on controlling thought, too, of course—and punishing everyone who does not conform to spec.

  And as we have seen above, not everybody wants to be controlled to liberal specs. Which is why everything under liberal control atrophies naturally. It’s the law of entropy, put into hyper drive when liberals are in charge of anything. Especially when what they control was founded on conservative principles. You know, like America.

  YMBAL’S #2

  If you’ve ever considered joining Dennis Kucinich in a class action lawsuit over biting into an olive pit…

  If you have siblings, or children, named Moonbeam, Andromeda, Rainbow, Stardust, or Windsong…

  If you have a bookshelf dedicated to books about “finding your own reality…”

  If your family’s coat of arms features The Greatful Dead or Che Guevera…

  If you think of adult novelty stores instead of gun shops when you hear the phrase “he’s packing…”

  If you use Food Stamps to help you “look your best”…4

  If you hate corporations but love unions…

  If every adult you know either works for government or teaches school…

  If you think you remember Ronald Reagan blaming Jimmy Carter for the bad economy during Reagan’s first term…

  If you’ve ever helped Elizabeth Warren navigate her Ancestry.com account…

  If none of the married couples you know share the same house…

  If your favorite book is Gay Evolutionists: The Next Generation…

  If you think of Barack Obama as ‘your husband too’…5

  If you’ve ever had your silverware taken from you by the Secret Service at a political fundraiser…6

  If you’ve ever pulled Bubba out of the TSA line and passed Ahmed and Mohammed on through without a search… />
  If you’ve ever counted on getting hired by one of the ’99 percenters’ in Obama’s “bottom up” economy…

  If it confounds you that the Republicans were only looking out for the 1% in the 2010 elections but somehow got 54% of the vote…

  If it doesn’t confound you that certain precincts in Madison Wisconsin have voter turn out of over 100%...

  If you have The Nation, Daily Kos and Huffington Post in your bookmarks…

  ...you might be a liberal. (YMBAL)

  “Guess what this liberal would be all about? This liberal would be about socializing … uh, umm. … Would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies.”